Lovely Friends,So I shared yesterday about how I went to my yearly exam and got the no-go for baby making. I was really disappointed initially, because I really want to have another child AND because I want Camille to be close to her siblings. However, I did realize this morning that the disappointments were rooted in fear.
I fear that if I wait too long, then I won't be able to conceive. I also fear that if my children are too far apart, then they won't be close. The thing about fear is that it certainly isn't from God! The Bible is clear in Timothy that "the Lord does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." I have really had to take my thoughts captive this morning and remind myself that God used my doctor to keep me on the narrow healthy path, because I really don't want to tread down the other one. My impatience could have lead to an unhealthy pregnancy and unhealthy baby. I absolutely do NOT want my choices to negatively affect any future children, so I am waiting.
I feel like that I have waited for so long for my husband and I to agree that now would be the perfect time to go ahead and think about more children. So waiting some more can be totally exhausting! A reminder that the Holy Spirit keeps dropping into my heart is that long ago, he taught me to REST during a waiting period. I really hated it when he pointed that out. Rest is the last thing that I think that I need to do, but is the divine prescription for what my body needs. God really knows how long my body needs to detox and the amount of rest that it will take to properly clean house. So, here I am, waiting. Waiting for the 70 lbs. to come off. Waiting for November to come. I KNOW that I have so much to learn during this wait! God always teaches me during the wait. But today, I am mourning the wait.
It may seem like an odd thing to mourn waiting. However, God has given me an analytical nature that has been quite therapeutic for helping me understand myself (with some divine consulting, of course!). To help me move forward with God's (the better) plan for childbearing, I need to walk through the mourning of what I thought it would be. I thought that I would have my children within a couple years of each other, but had come to the conclusion that I could handle no more than 5 years apart. Yesterday, that crumpled. God let me know, through the truth of my OB that 5 years was not the final say, but that it could be more than 5 if He so chose! He is, after all, the Creator of my babies and certainly expects me to do MY part in hosting a safe place for His creation.
Although I am mourning what I feel like I lost (although I KNOW God's plan is better!), I am also walking through a bit of guilt. I do very much realize that MY health choices, namely eating and exercise, are what brought me to the unhealthy state that I am in today. I am only blaming myself for getting here and hating the consequences of those actions. I am really trying to rebel against beating myself up about it because over the past few months, I HAVE taken steps in the right direction. I HAVE chosen to eat differently. I HAVE chosen to begin an exercise regimen. I WILL continue those positive steps to continue to improve my health.
In continuing with those positive steps, I am going to follow a detox lifestyle (I didn't say diet on purpose! This NEEDS to be a lifestyle!) that will eliminate toxins from my diet (I have already eliminated some, but need to weed out the last few!). Following appropriate calories for my activity level combined with the no toxin approach is how I plan to reach my goals nutritionally. Because I am not exercising a ton right now, I plan to stick to a 3 day a week 30 min HIIT session via Youtube videos. I will slowly adjust my fitness, but I need to not overwhelm myself with the changes so that I can keep pressing forward during the wait.
My verse that I am praying is John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
Giving it my all,
Jess
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