Peace During the Wait



Lovely Friends,

   So I shared yesterday about how I went to my yearly exam and got the no-go for baby making.  I was really disappointed initially, because I really want to have another child AND because I want Camille to be close to her siblings.  However, I did realize this morning that the disappointments were rooted in fear. 
   I fear that if I wait too long, then I won't be able to conceive.  I also fear that if my children are too far apart, then they won't be close.  The thing about fear is that it certainly isn't from God!  The Bible is clear in Timothy that "the Lord does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind."  I have really had to take my thoughts captive this morning and remind myself that God used my doctor to keep me on the narrow healthy path, because I really don't want to tread down the other one.  My impatience could have lead to an unhealthy pregnancy and unhealthy baby.  I absolutely do NOT want my choices to negatively affect any future children, so I am waiting. 
   I feel like that I have waited for so long for my husband and I to agree that now would be the perfect time to go ahead and think about more children. So waiting some more can be totally exhausting!  A reminder that the Holy Spirit keeps dropping into my heart is that long ago, he taught me to REST during a waiting period.  I really hated it when he pointed that out.  Rest is the last thing that I think that I need to do, but is the divine prescription for what my body needs. God really knows how long my body needs to detox and the amount of rest that it will take to properly clean house.  So, here I am, waiting.  Waiting for the 70 lbs. to come off.  Waiting for November to come.  I KNOW that I have so much to learn during this wait!  God always teaches me during the wait.  But today, I am mourning the wait.
  It may seem like an odd thing to mourn waiting.  However, God has given me an analytical nature that has been quite therapeutic for helping me understand myself (with some divine consulting, of course!).  To help me move forward with God's (the better) plan for childbearing, I need to walk through the mourning of what I thought it would be.  I thought that I would have my children within a couple years of each other, but had come to the conclusion that I could handle no more than 5 years apart.  Yesterday, that crumpled.  God let me know, through the truth of my OB that 5 years was not the final say, but that it could be more than 5 if He so chose!  He is, after all, the Creator of my babies and certainly expects me to do MY part in hosting a safe place for His creation.
  Although I am mourning what I feel like I lost (although I KNOW God's plan is better!), I am also walking through a bit of guilt.  I do very much realize that MY health choices, namely eating and exercise, are what brought me to the unhealthy state that I am in today. I am only blaming myself for getting here and hating the consequences of those actions.  I am really trying to rebel against beating myself up about it because over the past few months, I HAVE taken steps in the right direction.  I HAVE chosen to eat differently.  I HAVE chosen to begin an exercise regimen.  I WILL continue those positive steps to continue to improve my health. 
  In continuing with those positive steps, I am going to follow a detox lifestyle (I didn't say diet on purpose!  This NEEDS to be a lifestyle!) that will eliminate toxins from my diet (I have already eliminated some, but need to weed out the last few!).  Following appropriate calories for my activity level combined with the no toxin approach is how I plan to reach my goals nutritionally.  Because I am not exercising a ton right now, I plan to stick to a 3 day a week 30 min HIIT session via Youtube videos.  I will slowly adjust my fitness, but I need to not overwhelm myself with the changes so that I can keep pressing forward during the wait. 
   My verse that I am praying is John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Giving it my all,
Jess

Trying to Conceive and the Truth from the OB



Hello Lovely Friends,

   It has been quite some time since I have posted about all that I am learning about my health.  The truth is definitely that I have not quit learning at all, but have learned more than ever!  I am constantly searching for more information about health, diet, exercise, detoxing, natural supplements, really any and all of it.  Now would definitely be a good time to mention that I am not a doctor.  I have had no medical training, and certainly do not intend on diagnosing or treating anyone.  I enjoy sharing my personal experiences and information that I have gleaned from articles, books, blogs, documentaries and any other media that I have read or seen.  I highly recommend that you discuss with your PCP any health related issues and changes that you would like to make regarding your health!
   Now to the real meat of why I am writing this post- TTC! This little three letter acronym for "trying to conceive" has been on my mind a ton lately.  Fertility is actually a sensitive subject for me and I never really shared about my struggle when trying to conceive my Camille.
   I was actually diagnosed with PCOS in my twenties when I first started visiting the gynecologist. I have never had a consistent period, but this never alarmed me because I also have this fun thing called hypothyroidism (yeah, not fun!).  So visiting the gynecologist and being diagnosed with PCOS was a tad surprising because I always thought my inconsistent periods were related to my thyroid.  Not!  After being diagnosed, I learned about a few of the symptoms- insulin resistance, hirsutism, irregular periods, weight gain, and infertility, but really didn't take much stock in what it all really meant.  I was diagnosed 7 years ago, and blame the passiveness on being busy and not really having an understanding of how in control I was of my own health. 
   Since really learning how much I am in control of my own health, it has really made we wake to the fact that I am either a contributor or a helper to my issues.  Every. Single. Bite. Counts. This is a truth that I have hated for so long! Why can't I just have a free pass on a few bites?!  Why do sweets have to be so darn bad for my health?!  One conclusion that I have come to regarding taste is that vegetables were always supposed to be desirable.  This time in which we live has warped our thinking on what tastes good and what is acceptable.  I am truly battling through it.
    So what does food have to do with conception and my OB apt?  Well, I had a discussion with my OB today about TTC.  I know how big my doctor is on health, and I already had an idea of what she might say.  She has always been honest with me every step of the way and I very much respect her for delivering hard truths.  The hard truth that I had to hear today was that she highly recommends that I stop TTC and wait until my BMI is 30 or below.  Is that what I wanted to hear?  Absolutely not!  But, I do trust her to guide me to have the healthiest pregnancy possible and to be able to deliver the healthiest baby possible. 
   Looking at a BMI chart, mine falls at 40.9.  That is a completely unhealthy level and really gives me a good dose of reality- my hard work is not done!  I have been on a sort of high after losing almost 30 pounds, which is absolutely a step in the right direction.  However, these weight loss highs can cause me to forget that there is work left to be done. I sit in my high, and don't keep pushing, which means that my weight creeps back up and I hit a low again.  After being a bottom feeder for a while, I read a book,  get inspired, and fight to take control of my health.  Another high enters, and the cycle repeats itself. 
  The truth is, I do want to stay on the narrow road to good, clean, healthy eating.  I do want my body to be a disease fighting machine.  I do want to live a long and healthy life, able to play with my children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.
   I have already made some healthy changes that I do believe are working to get my body to optimal health and I will share what I have started thus far.  But today, I am making a plan.  Like a hardcore plan. Like a plan that I am scared to share for fear of failure. One thing that I have learned about fear is that it intensifies when left in the dark, so my shout from the rooftops plan is that I want to lose 95lbs total!  Say what?!  That is a crazy big goal, yes, it is for sure.  But, if I don't admit to such a big goal, then I will keep it in secret with only small bursts of motivation to actually lose it.  I want to lose this!  The good news is that I have already lost the first 25 pounds, so I am a step ahead.  To some it may seem silly that I would include the weight that I have already lost, but I need to see that success on my chart so that I will keep going.  For the 70lbs that is left to lose, I am going to break into 2 sets of 35lbs.  These smaller goals will make the amounts more manageable but will give me more than just a bland two pounds per week goal.  For me if goals are too big or too small, I can get discouraged.
   Now that I have my goal weights calculated, let me explain two things.  First, I need to explain how I calculated them, and second, the timeline associated with them.  These goal weights have been created per the suggestion of my OB.  Because my BMI is currently at 40.9, she wants me to try to move to 30 or below before TTC again.  To make the goals achievable, she suggested moving to a BMI of 35 to be my first goal.  I used a BMI calculator to determine what weight I need to be to reach a BMI of 35.  After calculating, I discovered that losing 35 lbs. would take me from one obese category down to the next.  Once I lose this 35 lbs., another 35 lbs. would move my BMI from 35.2 down to 29.8, just skirting in under the recommended 30.  Because I plan on losing weight at the rate of 2 lbs. per week, I gave myself the goal of losing the first set of 35 lbs. by July 6, 2016, reaching a BMI of 35.  Losing another 35lbs. between July 6 and November 9 would bring me to my TTC weight and a BMI of 29.8. 
  Once I reach my TTC weight, I will start  TTC again.  By this point, I am hoping to have regulated my hormones and be in a much healthier place physically.  I will continue to stay the course of health with or without conception.  If I don't conceive right away, then my new goal will be to work towards a BMI of 24.9, which is in the normal category.  I will have to lose 31 lbs. after I reach my TTC weight and it will take until March 1, 2017 to get there.  In the coming weeks I will share my recommended reading and steps that I am taking to achieve my 2lbs. per week weight loss. Until then, here is me stepping into the light about my health.

Giving it my all,
Jess